It’s been far too long since I updated my notes, and so much has happened in the meantime. The most relevant, I think, is my graduation (again) from Lancaster University. In 2022, in the post-Covid haze, I decided to follow my interests and take a giant leap back into the world of academia as a postgraduate student. The first time around, I was a marketing student, but overnight, with the opening of my unconditional offer, I became a history student.

Truth be told, I was terrified of going back to university. I would be so much older than most of my cohort, or so I thought. I hadn’t studied history since the age of 17-18, when I obtained a somewhat lacklustre History A-Level, but I backed myself and did it anyway. But, at the end of the first term, after handing in that tentative first essay, I almost succumbed to my first serious wobble; only a whisker away from emailing the administration team, telling them I’d made a mistake and was dropping out. I discussed it with my Mum beforehand, saying I thought I’d bitten off more than I could chew. I don’t like to fail, and this would have been a failure for me. But a far larger part of me wanted to put my mental health ahead of these gloomy feelings. Either way, it was not an easy time.

But then, after the longest four weeks of my life, my first mark was released, and I could breathe again. To my incredible surprise, I’d not only written something worth reading but I’d been awarded a distinction-level grade to boot. The fears of the last month were blown away, and I had faith in myself again. It had been a long while since I’d questioned my abilities so extremely, but I was out on the other side. The subsequent modules and the entire first year flew by. I was awarded another good grade for my second essay. I made strides into narrowing down my dissertation topic from the various ideas wafting around in my head but with nothing written down to substantiate them.

I took time off from my regular paying job to plan and straighten out my source material and argument. After two weeks, it was only outlined in the vaguest possible way, and that would have to do for now. In my second year, I decided to explore some areas of historical research that I hadn’t explored before: digital humanities and heritage studies. These two modules had a massive impact on me, and my imagination ran wild. I wrote down at least ten new research projects I want to undertake in just one seminar – a list I revisit often. Once regular modules were done and dusted, my focus shifted to the dissertation element of my MA.

I’d settled on an investigation of Cumberland’s Quarter Session records since my two-week intensive a few months earlier, and with the help of my supervisor, I’d narrowed the timeframe. The next task was to scour and transcribe the records, construct a database from scratch, and delve into the analysis. I won’t lie – this portion was a struggle. In my regular day-to-day, there’s variety, there’s change, there’s always something different. To an extent, this was true of the records in that they were generally different, but the monotony of the transcription process began to wear me down at several points. The staff at the Carlisle archive centre were absolutely marvellous, however, and happy to help with any and all of my queries, to’ing-and-fro’ing, changing plans, etc. Thus is the nature of returning to study when you have a life that ticks on around you and places constant calls for attention.

Finally, it was done, and I could delve into the data I’d collected to construct or cripple my original argument. Admittedly, this was my favourite part of the entire project. I’m a data cruncher at heart and never far from a spreadsheet. It was also the portion that easily fit into my day-to-day life. The writing part started only a few months from deadline day – far later than was recommended. Sticking to a ‘minimum word count per day’ plan worked for about a fortnight, so I switched it up. I took a few days off here and there to keep myself sane, and when the time pressure mounted, I bumped up a gear. In the (incredibly) early hours of 30 August, it was finished, I’d checked it over, proofread until I didn’t know what words were anymore. And then I clicked ‘Submit’. The terror of the first term overtook me again, and I was on edge for the next two months.

Up to that date, I was on track for a distinction overall, though the dissertation had the power to smash this ambition to pieces. I knew that even if I barely scraped standard passing grade, I’d still get a merit, but I had my eyes on the top prize. I needed a distinction. I hadn’t needed to write such a long-form academic piece before that year. I didn’t need to write a dissertation for my undergraduate degree. The final hurrah was a hands-on marketing project with a national advertising agency, assessed on presentations and client feedback, and it was a group project! The internal ‘Am I good enough?‘ monologue began. I was reminded of that first wobble. I had overcome it then, and I had to do so again.

In October, my first inkling of a grade was published. A distinction – and a strong one at that! I’m not ashamed to say that I teared up a bit. Happy tears, of course. I’d completed my return to academia and surpassed my expectations of myself. So, was it worth it? In short, yes, but for anyone else thinking of doing the same, I have some points you might want to consider.

1. What does your support network look like? For me, this was my family. They were incredible at picking up anything I’d dropped along the way – whether it was remembering to pick up my weekly shopping, walking the dog so I could crack on and work, letting me verbally express my ideas and thought process over dinner so I could at least feel organised for once.
2. Is it a passion project? I have always had a love of history, and always will. I’ve always felt comfortable in academic spheres and I’m a lifelong learner. Returning to university was an easy decision for me, as I’ve always wanted to complete a PhD and gaining an MA was my next logical step, especially as I’d been away from academia for several years. But I know this might not be the case for everyone. So before you go, make sure you can sustain it.
3. Do you actually have the time? Initially, I thought I did. I had my weekly schedule planned and allocated my hours accordingly. But life is never so simple. Realistically, looking back, I didn’t really have the time. I volunteered (and still do) with my local netball club several evenings per week, and I worked part-time, and ran a small business on the side. I also have a dog to care for, friends and family to see, and then find time to look after myself. Something had to go, and I definitely neglected some of my friendships during this time. My side business ticked along rather than grew, and I racked up many hours at the local dog daycare.

To conclude, I’d do it again in a heartbeat, but returning to the world of academia was not without its challenges. The experience has led me to reevaluate how and when I will approach PhD study, and I’ve learned a lot about when to put myself first and when to pull back. Thank you, Lancaster; I’m sure I’ll see you again soon!